The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
