I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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