the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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