but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
