Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
