Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
