oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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