In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
