I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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