I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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