We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
