Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
