I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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