Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
