Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
