I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
