i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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