Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
