maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
