Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
