Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
