Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
