her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
