I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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