Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
