I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
