It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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