I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
