she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
