My liver just broke up with me...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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