Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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