Betty ford says i'm here all night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
