From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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