I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
