Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
