based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
