just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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