The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
