update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Enjoy the penises
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie