toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
