Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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