i wish my penis had a tongue
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
