looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
