I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
