I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
