I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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