i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
