mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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