He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
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Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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