I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
