i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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