Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
