when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
