No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
