So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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