Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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