I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
