Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
