I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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