i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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