my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
