DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
